The Pointless Tale of a Sexually Confused Wizard
by Randomnessnosity
Summary: Once apon a time, a spotty man was born! Although this had nothing to do with Harry Potter, the sexually confused young boy with hardly any friends and the IQ of a mentally deranged goat.
1. Chapter 1

Mr and Mrs Dursley, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. This, however, was contrary to what a lot of other people might say when asked about them.

"These people are getting loopier by the minute, Petunia" said Mr Dursley to his wife, who was actively staring at her own arm.

"What do you mean by that, dear?" she replied in a monotone. She reluctantly pulled away her gaze to stare, instead, at her husband who was standing on the windowsill and gazing out of the window.

"Well, everyone's gone completely mad," he whispered. "Just look at them. They're mad, I know they are, I can sense it."

Petunia decided that curiosity was getting the better of her. She stood up and shuffled over to join her husband on the windowsill.

"Excuse me, madam!" said the police officer, who was very pleased to see another person had come along. After all, she'd been stood there for three hours ringing the doorbell and banging on the window and all this old bloke had done was leer at her. "Could you open the door please? It's urgent."

Forty five minutes later, the police officer had finally broken into the Dursleys' home and was making herself comfortable on their sofa. "Now which do you want first," she said imploringly, "the bad news or the very bad news?" She was frustrated to see that both Dursleys' looked at her impassively with blank looks on their faces. "Okay!" she said, making the decision herself. "Lets start with the bad news. I'm sorry to say that your sister, Lily, and her husband, James, are dead. They were killed in a car crash last night." The police officer, who unluckily was never given a name, looked expectantly from one Dursley to the other before continuing. "A mad biker by the name of Tom 'Badboy' Riddle was high on speed and stole a motorbike. He drove around throwing things at people last night. Nobody was badly injured except for Lily and James. A stapler hit the windscreen of their car and caused James to lose concentration and crash into a stump. I'm so sorry for your loss." She added patting a thoroughly bored looking Petunia on the arm. "And now for the very bad news. In their will, Lily and James left you their son, Harry Potter. I'm not sure how he survived, but don't be disconcerted by the scar on his forehead. He was smacked in the face by a stencil." And with that she pranced out of the room to the boot of her car, where she pulled out a small bundle.

"But we've already got a kid," said Vernon wisely as he stared down at the bundle.

"Oh well, now you have two," argued the police officer, walking out the front door. As she started up her car, she couldn't help but feel sorry for the child. Madness, she had heard, increases over time. "Man, when that kid's a teenager he's going to live in a freaking nuthouse" she said to her imaginary friend, Jeeves, and with that she drove away, heading towards a quiet afternoon at the local nightclub.

Some years later, Harry Potter woke up with a start and clapped a hand to his forehead. The infamous scar in the shape of an upside down 'A' in the middle of his forehead, which had earned him many unpleasant nicknames in the past such as 'needle dick', wasn't doing anything. He had just heard his aunt and uncle shrieking about something and pulled himself reluctantly out of bed.

"VERNON!" screamed Petunia in a furious tone. "I need the loo!"

"Let's all go," said Vernon kindly.

Suddenly a sharp tap on the door came out of nowhere. Nowhere was very surprised. Dudley, who had taken to hiding under the telephone table and grabbing people's feet as they walked past, exploded out from under it and wrenched open the door. "Hello, sir," he said forcefully.

"Ello' there. I were jus' lookin' for a Mr 'Arry Potter. My names Hagrid, an' I was sen' ter offer 'im a place at our school."

And without asking for any explanation of how he knew Harry was there, or how he had acquired a place at the school, or where the school even was and other such obvious questions, Harry accepted the offer and went back to bed.

"Wake up, Harry," said a voice in his ear the next morning. "You've got to catch the train to Hogwarts!"

Harry spun round to look for the owner of the voice but there was nobody there. 'Hmmm,' he thought 'must be the insanity setting in'. He grabbed his trunk, which was conveniently packed, shouted goodbye to the Dursleys', who were squabbling over a sock while Dudley smacked them repeatedly with the phone, and marched out of the front door to find Hogwarts.

Hagrid had left him a train ticket on his bedside table, together with a note reading 'see you later, alligator'. Harry stopped at the end of his drive and re-read the train ticket for what felt like the first time. It said 'Hogwarts – Platform Nine and Three Quarters - The Train Station.'

Harry put the ticket away and carried on walking. Something was wrong somewhere, he knew it. And then he realized – he was hungry.

Ten minutes and a slice of pizza later, he was standing outside Ann Summers. He decided that a little detour couldn't hurt and walked boldly into the shop, where he bumped into –

"Hagrid! What are you doing here?"

"Oh, ello there 'arry. I'm on official Hogwarts business 'ere, I'm the only one Dumbledore'd trust to get this stuff for 'im" said Hagrid, tapping his nose knowingly. "Ah, best not ter mention this ter anyone, Harry" he added before bustling off to pay for his basket full of sexy underwear.

"O.K" said Harry stupidly.

Suddenly a person launched himself on top of Harry and stared at him with wild eyes. It was Ron Weasley.

"Do you have the scar?" screeched Ron.

"Erm, yeah," said Harry, and reached up to reveal the scar that looked so much like a –

"Dick!" said Ron with some satisfaction. "You're a dickhead!"

"Ron, don't be so vulgar!" said the voice of a girl who appeared to have crouched down beside them. She looked at Harry and said, "Sorry about him, he thinks immaturity is a good quality. Anyway, I'm Hermione Granger. I just wanted to tell you that the train to Hogwarts has arrived."

"What, on Platform Nine and Three Quarters?" asked Harry eagerly.

"What in the name of arse are you talking about?" said Hermione with a frustrated sigh. "No, on Platform One you idiot!"

"But it says on the ticket -"

"No it doesn't, you just can't read. Now come on," she said, hauling Ron up from the floor. They all paid for the various bits of lingerie they had and walked over to the conveniently placed Train Station, which was right next to Ann Summers. The train left 0.45 seconds after they boarded it and they found a compartment all together, along with a weird kid stroking a toad like there was no tomorrow. Just before they sat down, Hermione turned to Ron and shouted gently "You've got cum on you're nose. Did you know?"

Ron wiped his nose hastily as a voice rang out over the loudspeaker saying, "Next stop, Hogwarts!"


	2. Chapter 2

They arrived at Hogwarts just as night fell on the castle. Night had been attending weight watchers for many years now so did not make much of an impact on landing.

Harry reluctantly followed the others out of his compartment or 'Marvin' as they had fondly named it. He was dressed, along with everyone else, in the standard school uniform of a leather jacket and chaps. How and when he had got it was beyond him.

He emerged onto the platform in Hogsmede to see a gigantic figure looming down at him. "Ello Arry! Firs' years this way!!"

Hermione grabbed his arm and dragged him away from the figure towards Hagrid, who was standing a couple of yards away. "Hello, Hagrid," he said breathlessly.

"Righ'" said Hagrid after several seconds where no one could be bothered to talk. "This way ter the boats" and a scuffle ensued for no particular reason. Eventually the students found themselves at the edge of a large black lake, which a small array of boats rested in front of. Harry and Hermione got into a boat together and followed the rest of the school who were now having mad water fights and trying to capsize the boats.

"Hey" said Ron sourly looking from Harry to Hermione. He was sitting behind them in the boat and had a hurt look on his face. "How come I haven't been mentioned in ages? Everyone ignores me." But no one was listening.

"Wow" said Harry, staring fixatedly in front of him. He had just noticed that they were moving towards a vast castle, with turrets the size of his Aunt Marge's bingo wings.

Presently their boat docked with a thud on an indoor jetty, sending its contents sprawling out onto the cold, stone floor. Harry straightened up and glanced around but there was nothing to be seen.

"Oi, over ere" said a rough voice and Harry turned his head a few millimetres to the left to see Hagrid and the rest of his year lined up in the entrance hall. It was a large brightly lit room filled with nothing in particular. Students were craning their heads to catch a glimpse of this wall and that wall etc. That's pretty much all there was in the room.

"Hello, new students" said a brisk female voice in front of them all "my name is Mrs McGonagall. You will be called forth into the great hall in a few moments to be sorted into your houses." She then disappeared back through the double doors and into, what Harry assumed was, the great hall.

Harry was just about to talk to Ron for the first time in a while when his view was blocked by another boy his age who had silvery blond hair and a pale, pointed face. "So its true then" said the boy "Harry Potter has come to Hogwarts". There was a long awkward silence until Harry realised this was his queue to say something.

"Yup" said Harry lamely. He watched as the boy looked him up and down before pulling out a packet of cigarettes.

"You know, Hogwarts had banned smoking on the premises," drawled the boy with a smirk "I can help you there" and he passed Harry a fag.

It took another several uncomfortable moments before Harry realised that, once again, he was meant to do or say something. He snatched the fag off the boy and pocketed it. "No" he said forcefully.

The boy looked disgusted. "You're making a mistake Potter," he snarled before flouncing off to join another group of students.

"Who was that?" asked Harry, bemusedly.

Hermione, who had not fully got the grasp of what had just happened, gave Harry a bewildered look and replied "Draco Malfoy".

"Oh yeah" said Harry "stupid question".

"I heard he's an alcoholic," said Ron, desperate to get a word in. "The family's quite rich, too. His fathers a drug dealer"

Hermione suddenly looked very interested but before she had the chance to say anything, the doors to the great hall were flung open and the students began to walk through.

Harry gazed avidly around as he walked into the great hall; there were four long tables at which the students all sat, and at the front of the hall was the teachers table. He could see Hagrid sitting up there next to a teacher with a long silver beard and gave him the thumbs up sign. The hall was lit, seemingly by hundreds of candles. Harry was right in thinking that this wasn't such a good idea; the students were all playing with them and flicking wax at each other. More than a few napkins had already caught fire.

A few moments later, Harry, Ron and Hermione were sitting at the Gryffindor table munching on their food. Harry could not remember how he had gotten sorted into this house and could not recall what the sorting ceremony was. Nobody else seemed to have a clue either, so he just shrugged it off and grabbed another cheeseburger. He carried on eating until Dumbledore, the headmaster, stood up and said "Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!"

Everyone seemed to take this as their cue to go and Harry mildly wondered if Dumbledore was related in some way to his aunt or uncle.

The Gryffindors all followed Percy out of the great hall and towards the Gryffindor common room. Percy wasn't really an authoritive figure; he just liked to think he was. "Follow me, that's right, no dawdling," he said authoritively.

Once they had done a few meaningless circuits of the castle, they ended up in a small hallway opposite a large banner saying 'Gryffindor common room' underneath which was a sign saying 'this weeks password: dope'. To the left of this was a black electronic looking thingy.

"To gain access to the room you have to key in the password on this Passwordthing™. Its so that no one from the other houses can gain access to your private common room" explained Percy. He then typed in 'dope' and led the students through the unlocked door and into the common room.

It was a large, round room lit by light. There were several comfy looking armchairs and small tables scattered about. "Girls dormitories are to the left and the boys are to the right," said Percy pointlessly before sauntering off to god knows where.

"Well, I'm off to bed. I'll see you in the morning" said Hermione to Harry and Ron before charging off up to her dormitories.

"Yeah, we'd better go to bed too, Harry," said Ron "we've got a big day tomorrow what with lessons and all". Harry said nothing but followed him silently up to bed, anticipating what sort of lessons he would be facing the following day.


End file.
